Reality, For Real

 Have you ever read the online reviews of a restaurant, hotel, resort, or other business? If so, you most likely have noticed something quite strange. One review may state how this establishment is the greatest place on earth, while the next review warns others to stay away and states that being there was one of the worst experiences of their life. That seems strange, but what really blows my mind is when I look at the dates of the reviews and see that both people were there at the exact same time. How can one place be both the best and worst place on earth at the same time? Someone has to be lying, right? When reading the reviews of a certain resort, I noticed this phenomenon and I found myself dismissing such reviews as false. I figured the “greatest place on earth” reviews were fake ones planted by the resort itself, and the “worst experience of my life” reviews were written by bitter and vindictive people who just like to cause trouble. I decided that there is no way that either of these reviews could be real. I now realize I was wrong.

 Although I am intelligent enough to know that there are people who write reviews to support their own agenda, such as to build up their business or destroy a competitor, I also realize that people create their own reality. Two people can be at the same place, at the same time, and have completely different experiences based upon their expectations and their interpretation of the events. Each person decides how they feel about the experience, and that creates their reality. For instance, my wife and I were blessed with the opportunity to travel to a resort on an island in the Caribbean. After a long day of travelling (about 18 hours in total), we finally arrived fairly late at night. Once we checked in, we went to the restaurant to get some of the “all-inclusive” food. There was very little available, and it didn’t look too appetizing. We found a small snack and headed to our room. During the course of the week, we had a storm move through that trapped us in our room for most of the afternoon. It wreaked havoc on the manicured grounds and the beach, and workers were scurrying around to clean up everything. Our bathroom developed a leak in the ceiling, and we ended up having to change rooms. The pool area was crowded and noisy, and the view of the sunset was partially blocked by a concrete wall on the property line. Once it was over, if we had written a review of the experience, we would have said it was one of the most wonderful, amazing and beautiful experiences of our life, and that we were anxious to go back again!

 Even though things were not perfect during our visit, our “reality” was that it was a fantastic trip. The waters were such an amazing blue, the white sand was like crushed diamonds, snorkeling with the colorful fish was a delight, and most of the food was delicious. And then there was the coconut ice cream which was like heaven in a dish, and the coffee was to die for! You see, my choice was (and is) to focus on what was good, pleasant, enjoyable and beautiful, and to take the setbacks in stride. This creates a reality that perhaps a critical, unhappy person would not agree with. To that person, the week would have seemed like a disaster – and they would be right. Their reality would have been one of misery, problems and inconvenience. Even though their reality and mine are different, they are both “reality” because we each create our own reality.

 When talking about us creating our own “reality”, I am not saying that we all just live in a fantasy world of our own creation. There is the real reality that we must all live in and face on a daily basis. Bad things happen, and so do good things. People die. Babies are born. Bills need to be paid. Disease takes its toll on people and families. Natural disasters strike, and wars are fought. People’s dreams are fulfilled. Businesses succeed or fail. The real things are all around us, just like the good and bad things that happened during the trip I mentioned above. My focus today is on understanding the power of an individual’s perception of the events, and how that perception impacts behavior.

 The knowledge that people create their own reality has affected me in many different ways. First of all, it has allowed me to think about my approach to situations and to decide for myself what kind of reality I want that situation to be. I can be optimistic and upbeat, or critical and depressed. It is up to me! Second, it has helped me change my approach with other people. Since other people may not see things the way I do, I now know that they are living a different reality than I am. What may seem mundane to me could be a wonderful new experience to someone else. Or, it could be a terrifying experience causing unbearable stress. Perhaps their interpretation of a situation has created a different reality for them. Once, a person who reported to me misunderstood my response to a problem. I said to her “We’ll figure it out,” meaning later I would help her find the solution. She thought I said “Well, figure it out.” This created in her mind a reality that I didn’t care about her problem. It made her want to quit and find a different job. Thankfully, she approached me about it, we talked it through, I apologized for my role in creating the misunderstanding, and we were able to effectively work together for many years afterward. It is critical that we understand the reality other people are facing, and we can only learn about their reality through open communication and active listening. Then we can more effectively help them through their hard times, work effectively with them, or even celebrate with them a beauty that we may not have seen before.

 Finally, this knowledge about different realities has set me free from a lot of frustration and stress. Let me explain. On more than one occasion, I have dealt with a loved one who suffered from one kind of dementia or another. Whether caused by a stroke or disease, or simply from the effects of aging, these people no longer lived in the reality that the rest of us knew. It is a painful experience, especially when their reality negates the love that you are showing them. For example, someone very dear to me would complain because nobody loved her enough to visit with her or make sure that she was okay. She would tell people this on Monday, even though on Sunday I had taken her to church in the morning, took her to the store to purchase the things she needed, got her some lunch, then took her to the evening service. It hurt my feelings that she would lie about me that way, and it made me a little angry. The problem was, to her she wasn’t lying. The sickness in her brain had caused her to forget the day before and had created a different reality for her. It was only when I realized this that I was able to let go of the hurt and anger and just do what I could to love her and care for her. It still hurt, but I knew that it wasn’t her intentionally trying to hurt me. I was able to take comfort in the fact that it was the sickness, not the person I loved, causing it to happen.

 Think about the reality you are creating in your mind each day. Also consider the realities that other people are living. Does your outlook and theirs line up with each other? If not, is there something about the situation you are not seeing clearly? Maybe that person isn’t understanding something correctly and it has caused tension. Open communication and effective listening can help you both enjoy a reality that is productive and fulfilling.